Learning About Self and Society Through Online Dating Platforms

Abstract

People develop their identities and self-knowledge through constant presentation of self in situations of everyday interaction. In this paper we study strategies of learning about self and society through participation in the online dating platform Tinder, and in digital communities dedicated to collective reflection on this experience. Through an exploratory research based on observation and on content analysis on several online platforms, we identify stages of learning on a social trajectory from novice to methodical and to expert participant, and we illustrate how learning about one's self involves at the same time learning about others and the medium of interaction in which presentation and validation take place. As Erving Goffman demonstrated, the presentation of self in everyday life is a highly organized activity in which people pursue others' validation. Invalidation can be painful and humiliating, possibly leading to degradation of one's status and to specific coping mechanisms. The increasing frequency of self-presentation in digitally mediated situations introduces novel processes in how people learn about themselves and others. Building a profile, seeking validation in the form of "likes" or "followers" or swipes to the right on Tinder, dealing with rejection when validation fails to materialize in the expected form or quantity, have become common activities for people across generations. Correspondingly, people ask for and give advice as to how to best present oneself and how to deal with rejection, on blogs, forums, Q&A platforms, books and other media. Technologically mediated interaction leads to metric forms of validation, as users count the likes and matches they receive and optimize self-presentations to achieve desired numbers, among others. Digital platforms also make possible the gathering of digital traces about oneself and others and the interpretation of data - from personal self-tracking to wider exercises of observation and analysis of communities. People who are active on Tinder learn how to interpret profiles and numbers that are specific to this platform, how to react when metrics are disappointing and how to fine tune their self-presentation. Knowledge about oneself is intimately related to knowledge about the digital platform mechanisms, its incentives and mechanics, and to knowledge about other users' strategies. We illustrate how Tinder encourages reflexivity about one's dating skills and erotic capital while at the same time encouraging a systemic understanding of online dating as a social game with specific technological incentives, that continuously change the field of intimate interaction.