Recoupling in Mid‐Life and Beyond: From Love at Last to Not So Fast

Abstract

Divorce rates have dropped in the United States, except for couples over 50 where they are rising steeply, along with rates of late-life recoupling. Both stepcouples and their young adult and adult children in new older stepfamilies are often surprised to find themselves facing many of the same challenges that younger stepfamilies do. Some challenges are even intensified by the decades-long relationships and additional layers of extended family that come with recoupling after mid-life. Stepfamilies formed in later life must also negotiate decisions about estate planning and elder care among stakeholders who often have sharply divergent agendas before there is time to establish trusting relationships. This article describes the "normal" challenges facing stepcouples who come together over age 50. It provides evidence-informed guidance for therapists in meeting these challenges on three levels of clinical work: Psychoeducational, Interpersonal, and Intrapsychic/Intergenerational. As in younger stepfamilies, "family therapy" must usually begin in subsystems-often the adult stepcouple and parent-adult child. The article then describes a particularly fraught subgroup of recouplers: over-50 fathers and their new partners, where the dad's young adult or adult daughter is very unhappy with his new relationship. In these latter stepfamilies, father-daughter repair must precede stepfamily bonding. Stepfamilies that are preceded by a partner's death and those that begin with affairs are also discussed. Finally, some "easy wrong turns" for therapists are described.

Clinical Guidelines for Working With Stepfamilies: What Family, Couple, Individual, and Child Therapists Need to Know

“…We will also look at the growing number of especially vulnerable American stepfamilies classified as “fragile families” headed by young, unmarried stepcouples with less education, drastically lower incomes, and much higher rates of paternal incarceration than married couples (McLanahan et al., ). A separate article in this subsection addresses the challenges for late‐life recouplers (Papernow, ).…”

“…They appear to be easier for boys than girls (Hetherington, Bridges, & Insabella, ), and hardest for early adolescent girls (van Eeden‐Moorefield & Pasley, ). I am finding that late‐life recoupling can sometimes be especially challenging for young adult and adult daughters (Papernow, , , , in this issue).…”

“…Note that, in my experience, unless the child experiences the stepparent as a primary source of attachment, working with stepparent–stepchild relationships usually needs to come last. (See Papernow, , in this issue, for step‐by‐step work with late‐life recouplers and their adult children. )…”

“…), that is, living separately, but in a committed relationship (Benson & Coleman, 2016;Coulter & Hu, 2015;de Jong Gierveld, 2004). Finally, divorce rates have fallen and stabilized in the United States, except among those over 50 where rates are rising steeply (Brown & Lin, 2012) with a concomitant rise in the numbers of late-life recouplers with adult children and grandchildren (Papernow, 2013(Papernow, , 2016b(Papernow, , 2017.…”

Editorial: Step‐Families in Family Therapy and Family Science

“…We are fortunate in this issue to have three comprehensive summaries of research and practice with step‐families that can help inform work with these couples and families. Ganong and Coleman provide a definitive review of the research about step‐families (Ganong & Coleman, ), while Patricia Papernow in two separate papers speaks to an evidence‐informed view of how to work with step‐families in the therapy context, as well as with the more recent development of the increase in late‐life step‐families (Papernow, ,b). They offer the best summaries we have at present for what is important to know about and how to help these family systems.…”