Multi‐functional wearable electrical materials have been regarded as one of the most pivotal cornerstones for the booming internet of things (IoTs), biomimetic robotics/science, and sensory e‐skins. Nevertheless, customizable, high‐throughput, batch‐fabricated, function‐integrated wearable electronics remain technologically challenging to traditional material engineering. Hereby, a cellulose‐converted active amorphous carbon nanomaterial is developed via a transfer‐free, precursor‐free rapid laser synthesis method incorporating deformation‐tolerant waste papers. The lattice fringe spacing of laser‐synthesized carbon nanoflake is ≈0.305 nm topologically distinct from graphene or carbon dots. The nanostructured three‐dimensional (3D) carbon network exhibits desirable mechanical flexibility, high hygroscopicity/electrical conductivity, large ion storing capacity for Zn2+ or Na+, high sensitivity to pressure, and a natural microwave absorbing ratio (> 37 dB at the terahertz range). Abundant percolation pathways inside cellulose/carbon composite networks offered fast electrolyte diffusion and carrier mobility. A series of low‐cost highly‐deformable interdigitated supercapacitors, tactile sensors, electrical circuits, and functional coatings are experimentally fabricated and identified, enabling waste paper as a function‐magnified meta platform for e‐skins, wearable energy devices, or IoTs interfaces.