Chosen and collective friendship: Negotiating contradictory social ideals and demands at an Israeli elementary school classroom

Abstract

Friendship has been predominantly conceptualised as a highly positive and voluntary relationship. This article contributes to recent sociological challenges to these notions by ethnographically examining how conflicting friendship ideals are negotiated in everyday life. It is based on a year-long study of friendship socialisation and friendship between girls in an Israeli elementary school classroom, from the perspectives of both the girls and their teachers. I argue that the teachers promoted two contradictory friendship ideals: one of ‘chosen’ friendship between specific students, which recognised the children’s agency and preferences; and the other, of ‘collective’ friendship between all the class group members, directed at engendering social cohesion and preventing loneliness. The article delineates how the girls and teachers negotiated relationships between the students under the framework of both friendship ideals – and in doing so, exposed the tensions and entanglements between the two. Moreover, the girls and teachers’ friendship discourses and practices shed light on the hefty social demands placed on children’s friendship ties in school, and how friendship can incorporate both collective and individual meanings.