A wide variety of celestial bodies have been considered as dark matter detectors. Which
stands the best chance of delivering the discovery of dark matter? Which is the most powerful dark
matter detector? We investigate a range of objects, including the Sun, Earth, Jupiter, Brown
Dwarfs, White Dwarfs, Neutron Stars, Stellar populations, and Exoplanets. We quantify how
different objects are optimal dark matter detectors in different regimes by deconstructing some of
the in-built assumptions in these search sensitivities, including observation potential and
particle model assumptions. We find new constraints and future sensitivities across a range of
dark matter annihilation final states. We quantify mediator properties leading to detectable
celestial-body energy injection or Standard Model fluxes, and show how different objects can be
expected to deliver corroborating signals. We discuss different search strategies, their
opportunities and limitations, and the interplay of regimes where different celestial objects are
optimal dark matter detectors. Deconstructing the assumptions of these searches leads us to point
out a new search using the Galactic center stellar population that can provide greater sensitivity
to the dark matter-nucleon scattering cross section than the Sun, despite being significantly
further away in our Galaxy.