Destructive Women and the Men Who Can't Leave Them: Pathological Dependence or Pathological Omnipotence?

Abstract

Clinicians have focused more on the troubling issue of women who are dominated and abused by men than they have on those occasions where men are abused by women. While usually not involving physical abuse, the destructiveness of some women, expressed in terms of harsh and destructive verbal and interpersonal behavior can be so striking and persistent that it should remain of interest to psychoanalysts. This clinical paper examines two examples of male patients who, while accomplished in many spheres of their lives, are nevertheless engaged in marriages to women whose hateful behavior toward them is impossible to deny. Despite considerable awareness of how much they are damaged by their wives, they are either unwilling or unable to utilize separation and divorce as tools to protect themselves, with the ultimate goal of starting life again free of the persecutory other. The dynamics involved for men stuck in such dyads are considered, including the possible negative role of a systems approach to couples' therapy that assumes mutual responsibility for the couples' dysfunction and distress.