Difference, Choice, and Punishment: Parental Beliefs and Understandings about Adult Child Estrangement

Abstract

This article reports on qualitative research that examined the experiences of 25 Australian participants aged over 60 years who were estranged from at least one adult child. When participants were asked about their perceptions of the cause of the estrangement they described events prior to and at the time of the estrangement, possibly perceived as a form of parental rejection or relational devaluation by the estranged children. Findings suggested a complex interplay of long-term factors that appeared to contribute to an eroded relationship between parents and children, including divorce, third-party alienation, and multiple family stressors. Ultimately participants said that the adult children responded by: (1) choosing what they perceived to be a less rejecting or less dangerous relationship over a relationship with their parent;(2) choosing to stop contact or reduce emotional interactions with their parent; or (3) using estrangement to punish their parent for the perceived rejection.

Parents and Children Who Are Estranged in Adulthood: A Review and Discussion of the Literature

“…Several studies have explored the factors that contribute to estrangement between parents and adult children. These studies have explored the experiences of parents who are estranged from an adult son and/or daughter (Agllias, ; Carr et al, ; Dattilio & Nichols, ; Gilligan et al, ; Jerrome, ; Schwartzman, ) and adult children estranged from a parent (Agllias, ; Scharp & McLaren, ; Scharp & Thomas, ; Scharp et al, ).…”

“…Distance between parents and adult children may also be initiated or exacerbated by physical and/or mental health problems in the family (Agllias, ; Conti, ; Mitrani & Czaja, ; Scharp et al, ). The quality of parent–child relationships has been found to be affected by the poor health of one of the family members (Kaufman & Uhlenberg, ; Pillemer et al, ).…”

“…Several studies have explored the factors that contribute to estrangement between parents and adult children. These studies have explored the experiences of parents who are estranged from an adult son and/or daughter (Agllias, 2015;Carr et al, 2015;Dattilio & Nichols, 2011;Gilligan et al, 2015;Jerrome, 1994;Schwartzman, 2006) and adult children estranged from a parent (Agllias, 2016a;Scharp & McLaren, 2017;Scharp & Thomas, 2016;Scharp et al, 2015). This literature has identified that the factors that contribute to estrangement are diverse and include feeling a lack of support, acceptance, and/or love from the estranged family member(s); feeling like their parent or child's behavior has been unacceptable or toxic in the past and/or present; a family member choosing one relationship over another; and having different values from one another.…”

“…In the studies outlined here and in the wider psychological and sociological literature on family relationships in adulthood, stressful experiences and circumstances in the family have been identified as contributing to parent-child estrangement. These include but are not limited to sexual, physical, and/or psychological abuse and/or neglect (Agllias, 2015(Agllias, , 2016aConti, 2015;Scharp & McLaren, 2017;Scharp et al, 2015); poor parenting and betrayal (Agllias, 2016a); traumas surrounding infertility, miscarriages, and stillbirths (Agllias, 2015); parental incarceration (Padgett, Smith, Henwood, & Tiderington, 2012); drug abuse (Conti, 2015;Davis-Berman, 2011), disagreements, romantic relationships, politics, homophobia, and issues relating to money, inheritance, or business (Conti, 2015).…”

“…Alongside this research, a literature has emerged in the past 10 years that has focused specifically on parents and adult children who are “estranged” (Agllias, , , , , , ; Agllias & Gray, ; Allen & Moore, ; Carr, Holman, Abetz, Kellas, & Vagnoni, ; Conti, ; Conti & Ryan ; Dattilio & Nichols, ; Gilligan, Suitor, & Pillemer, ; Jerrome, ; Kim, ; Scharp, , ; Scharp & Dorrance Hall, ; Scharp & McLaren, ; Scharp & Thomas, ; Scharp, Thomas, & Paxman, ). This literature confirms that contrary to dominant expectations and assumptions about the involuntary, ever‐lasting nature of family relationships, some parents and children have a distant and/or inactive relationship.…”