Gastrostomy tubes benefit patients but also introduce hazards and costs. Most of these costs tend to be administratively invisible, but clinically expensive. Nurses, residents, emergency physicians, surgeons, and others routinely manage complaints about gastrostomy tubes or sites, and the time and effort costs are enormous. Despite widespread use of gastrostomy tubes and the large “cost of ownership,” scant instruction guides practitioners on troubleshooting the panoply of tube‐related problems. Instead, clinical folk‐wisdom leaves staff disarmed, resorting to lore or maladaptive work‐arounds that are futile or even harmful. But tubes and gastrostomies fail in predictable ways. This guide reviews commonly used gastrostomy tubes and how they are placed. Routine care of these tubes both in the immediate postoperative period and long‐term is detailed. Then, specific gastrostomy tube complications and their principle‐based countermeasures are described, organized by presenting complaint. Throughout, specific clinical pitfalls are called out along with their remedies. The aim is to demystify these devices and dispel myths that lead to error.