This paper examines the tensions and struggles over elder care that are happening in South Africa between family caregivers, care workers and the state. These struggles are experienced and expressed at the familial and community level but are best understood by examining how the state has de-funded facilities in favour of ‘ageing in place’ without any additional investment in community and home-based care support. The findings reveal that stresses on unpaid and paid carers are expressed in terms of individual failings and interpersonal conflict rather than through a socio-political contextual lens. These findings contribute to how a familialist care regime impacts the everyday personal relationships between paid and unpaid carers of older persons.