People desire to see themselves positively, but also as similar to their groups. How do people arbitrate between these two potentially conflicting motives as they learn about and assimilate group norms? In three studies reflecting different group contexts, participants completed a social judgment task where they chose which of two traits were more self relevant. After each choice, participants were presented with the probability of ingroup or outgroup participants self-endorsing the same trait. We tested alternative computational models to characterize how people assimilate traits that are typical of their group. We find that, over the course of the task, participants increasingly self-endorsed traits that are similar to those that were depicted as group normative, even generalizing to novel traits they had not received group probability information for. We account for these findings with a similarity model that predicts that people self-endorse traits that are similar to previously observed group norms, rather than self-endorsing traits to learn expected group norms via trial-and-error learning. This tendency to use group norms to guide choices even leads to self-derogation, where people forgo choosing positive traits to select traits that are more group typical. Findings demonstrate that people are motivated to achieve similarity with group norms, which has potential broader implications for group affiliation, self-stereotyping, and extremism.