III. In Knots: Dilemmas of a Feminist Couple Contemplating Marriage

Abstract

Wanting to get married is, from one feminist perspective, like enjoying a piece of porn: intellectually, you can deride both as patriarchal, (hetero)sexist and a moment of collusion in your own oppression; yet a recalcitrant part of you is still turned on . . . Or so it seems to us as we grapple with the practical, personal and ideological dilemmas facing a feminist couple contemplating marriage; we still seem to be in knots . . . We have been to three white weddings this summer. The first was a formal Christian affair with a lively social club reception, the second a (largely) nonreligious service in a Welsh manor house surrounded by fields. The third, held in a chapel in the New Forest, entailed an adapted Christian ceremony and a lavish reception complete with piano accompaniment. At each wedding, the presumed inevitability of heterosexual marriage was apparent in the repeated banter about when it would be 'our turn'. Despite protestations that we 'did not believe in marriage', we found ourselves enjoying each occasion; as David Wilson (1996) quipped: 'Given that [we] were attending the chief ceremony of patriarchal oppression, everybody seemed to be bearing up remarkably bravely ' (p. 196). However, amidst the free food, dancing and imagining what it would be like if we were the principle players, each ceremony also sparked a new twist in our long-standing debate on the (im)possibility of feminist heterosexual marriage. A typical strand of our debate runs something like this:MT: [In low hiss, watching bride as her hand is passed symbolically by vicar from father to fiancé] And now we transfer this piece of property from one man to another.

Will I Marry if My Parents Can’t? Young Adults With LGB Parents Consider Marriage for Themselves

“…Furthermore, although these participants asserted their intention to marry, several also emphasized an unwavering commitment to end marriage discrimination. This stance is consistent with that of some heterosexual allies to the LGB community, who have noted that deciding not to marry does not by itself improve the situation for LGB persons (Toerien & Williams, 2003). Thus, the 14 participants who voiced an unconditional desire to marry cannot be seen as entirely “before the law,” in that they acknowledged, and voiced a commitment to end, marriage inequality (Ewick & Silbey, 1998).…”

“…Many LGB people who wish to or choose to marry also speak to the personal and symbolic meaning that marriage has for them. Similar to many heterosexual couples who view marriage as a celebration of community and love (Swidler, 2001; Toerien & Williams, 2003), some same-sex couples are drawn to marriage because they view it as a meaningful, concrete way to solidify their unions (Lannutti, 2007). And finally, some LGB people—particularly those who have or want children—value marriage for the legal protections and benefits that it provides (Lannutti, 2005; Porche & Purvin, 2008; Shulman et al, 2012).…”

Divorcing Romance, Rights and Radicalism: Beyond Pro and Anti in the Lesbian and Gay Marriage Debate

“…Yet notions of romance have descended over the heterosexist institution of marriage like a fog that obscures its legal and societal ramifications (Graff, 1999). Marrying 'for love' and the white wedding 'syndrome' tend to take precedence over pragmatic approaches to marriage; even heterosexual commentators critical of marriage find the allure of romance tricky to completely eschew (Toerien and Williams, 2003). Bourassa (2004) writes that his marriage to his partner Joe Varnell was 'a simple and visible extension' of 'the romantic ideal of marriage for love' (p. 61).…”

With this Ring, I Thee Wed: Relating Gender Roles and Love Styles to Attitudes towards Engagement Rings and Weddings

“…Oswald [17,18] considered how marriage traditions and rituals can affect GLBT individuals, leading to feelings of being excluded, undermined, and devalued as family members, compared to heterosexuals. Heterosexual couples as well, striving for egalitarian relationships, may have mixed feelings about marriage as an establishment that has long been associated with patriarchal relationships and heterosexism [25].…”