UK Biobank (UKB) is conducting a large-scale study of more than half a million volunteers, collecting healthrelated information on genetics, lifestyle, blood biochemistry, and more. Medical imaging furthermore targets 100,000 subjects, with 70,000 follow-up sessions, enabling measurements of organs, muscle, and body composition. With up to 170,000 mounting MR images, various methodologies are accordingly engaged in large-scale image analysis. This work presents an experimental inference engine that can automatically predict a comprehensive profile of subject metadata from UKB neck-to-knee body MRI. In cross-validation, it accurately inferred baseline characteristics such as age, height, weight, and sex, but also emulated measurements of body composition by DXA, organ volumes, and abstract properties like grip strength, pulse rate, and type 2 diabetic status (AUC: 0.866). The proposed system can automatically analyze thousands of subjects within hours and provide individual confidence intervals. The underlying methodology is based on convolutional neural networks for image-based meanvariance regression on two-dimensional representations of the MRI data. This work aims to make the proposed system available for free to researchers, who can use it to obtain fast and fullyautomated estimates of 72 different measurements immediately upon release of new UK Biobank image data.