We investigate topological properties and classification of mean-field theories of stable bosonic systems. Of the three standard classifying symmetries, only time-reversal represents a real symmetry of the many-boson system, while the other two, particle-hole and chiral, are simply constraints that manifest as symmetries of the effective single-particle problem. For gapped systems in arbitrary space dimension we establish three fundamental no-go theorems that prove the absence of: parity switches, symmetry-protected-topological quantum phases, and localized bosonic zero modes under open boundary conditions. We then introduce a squaring, kernel-preserving map connecting noninteracting Hermitian theories of fermions and stable boson systems, which serves as a playground to reveal the role of topology in bosonic phases and their localized midgap boundary modes. Finally, we determine the symmetry classes inherited from the fermionic tenfold-way classification, unveiling an elegant threefold-way topological classification of non-interacting bosons. We illustrate our main findings in one-and two-dimensional bosonic lattice and field-theory models.