Money: A Therapeutic Tool for Couples Therapy

Abstract

This article addresses the therapeutic importance of discussing money at every stage of a couple's relationship, both as a concrete reality and as a metaphor for security, adequacy, competence, commitment, acceptance, and acknowledgment in a relationship. I will present a developmental schema looking at financial issues that couples confront at various stages in the adult life cycle and how these affect and reflect relationship problems. The article also presents a money questionnaire as a useful tool for exploring family-of-origin financial history, affect, and behavior.

Money and Emerging Adults: A Glimpse into the Lives of College Couples’ Financial Management Practices

“…Again, finances are a very difficult topic for many to discuss, and holding a space to do this is an important first step (Shapiro, 2007;Dew & Dakin, 2011 (Klontz et al, 2011). For example, if one partner grew up in poverty, was made to feel guilty by his/her parents when s/he needed new clothes or school supplies, etc.-the other partner can empathize about why s/he is so invested in saving money now.…”

“…The transition from two disconnected individuals to a couple in a committed relationship represents one of the first times that any dyad must begin talking about money (Doty, Hanson, Witham, Ochoa, & Mendenhall, 2016;Shapiro, 2007). While not a romantic or usually-comfortable topic to discuss, these early conversations are an essential stagesetter for how things can go throughout the life-course.…”

“…And as we work with couples to better understand each other's histories, values, and habitudes around money en route to co-owning power and informed decisionmaking, they can begin to transition away from win/lose arguments to win/win solutions whereby both members' values and goals are honored. Doing this well with early transitions-like moving in together, planning a wedding, etc.-will further equip them for more complex life-phases later on like child-rearing, caring for elderly parents, or retirement planning (Shapiro, 2007;Zubatsky & Trudeau-Hern, 2014). Couples can do this as a team.…”

Spouses' views of gender roles: financial management in marriage

“…Many couples simply find it difficult to communicate their emotional experience and thoughts about finances with each other. Instead, they often find it easier to argue with their spouse to convey the message (Shapiro, 2007). Dew (2008) has found that the greater the income contribution of the wife, the more she will feel at liberty to discuss household financial affairs with her husband.…”

“…For many individuals, finances induce mixed feelings, including anxiety, concern and depression (Furnham, 2006). According to Shapiro (2007) money is regarded as a taboo topic and closely related to feelings of success, competence, safety, security and acceptability in a community. These feelings about money can cause anxiety -and in turn prevent individuals from discussing their finances with others, notwithstanding the fact that finances form part of most individuals' everyday life and cannot be ignored.…”