The following case studies, based on in-depth interviews of those looking after a demented spouse at home, are used to highlight (a) defences (surprisingly often overlooked by psychoanalysis) mobilised in analysts as well as in informal carers by those who (as in psychosis or neurosis) are emotionally or cognitively cut off, regressed, anxious, disinhibited, or depressed; (b) similarities and differences between the sexes in their capacity to take in and process the experience of their dependents as both similar to, and digerent from their own; and (c) implications for community care regarding the need to take account of, assess, and tailor its prosision to the defensive strategies adopted by carers an looking after those who are losing their minds.