Internationally, the environmental damage caused by the improper disposal of approximately 100 Mt of plastic waste per annum is of growing concern. Attempts to address this issue have generated many hundreds of scientific studies announcing the discovery of novel plastic-degrading microorganisms and their respective enzymes. On closer inspection, however, evidence remains sparse for the microbial degradation of most of the plastic polymers produced globally. We systematically surveyed the international literature to confirm how many microorganisms proposed to degrade plastics (n = 664) cause substantial (i.e., 20% mass) losses of virgin polymer, rather than losses of plastic additives, filler, and/or shedding of polymer micro-fragments. Additionally, we noted where degradation was only demonstrated for artificially aged polymer since physicochemical ageing procedures increase the abundance of monomers and oligomers such that they may be degraded by microbial activity. Additionally, artificial ageing may introduce functional groups to the polymer backbone, creating more locations susceptible to microbial degradation than would otherwise occur in the environment. We identified multiple studies demonstrating the effective microbial degradation of heterochain plastic polymers such as polylactic acid, polycaprolactone and polyethylene terephthalate (i.e., polymers containing elements other than carbon in the backbone structure). However, in the literature, we find no evidence for the substantial degradation of unadulterated polyethylene, polypropylene, polystyrene or polyvinyl chloride, homochain polymers which represent the overwhelming majority of global plastics production. Current research demonstrates that the pre-treatment of plastics with elevated temperature or UV-light may speed physicochemical plastic degradation, with valuable applications for downstream microbial processing. However, evidence for the microbial degradation of most plastic polymers in current circulation is lacking. We outline simple criteria that should be met before announcing the microbial degradation of plastic polymers. We hope this may help to address largely unsubstantiated expectations that microorganisms can degrade many plastic polymers in situ.