Raising Children With High Self‐Esteem (But Not Narcissism)

Abstract

With the rise of individualism since the 1960s, Western parents have become increasingly concerned with raising their children’s self‐esteem. This is understandable, given the benefits of self‐esteem for children’s psychological health. However, parents’ well‐intentioned attempts to raise self‐esteem, such as through inflated praise, may inadvertently breed narcissism. How can parents raise self‐esteem without breeding narcissism? In this article, we propose a tripartite model of self‐regard, which holds that the development of self‐esteem without narcissism can be cultivated through realistic feedback (rather than inflated praise), a focus on growth (rather than on outperforming others), and unconditional regard (rather than regard that is conditional). We review evidence in support of these practices and outline promising directions for research. Our model integrates existing research, stimulates the development of theory, and identifies leverage points for intervention to raise self‐esteem and curtail narcissism from a young age.

Climbing up or falling down: Narcissism predicts physiological sensitivity to social status in children and their parents

“…Children with higher narcissism levels exhibited intensified affective responses to status gains and losses. This provides the first direct evidence that childhood narcissism is characterized by heightened status sensitivity, which could indicate an underlying affective‐motivational system geared toward status (Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020 ; Grapsas et al, 2020 ; Morf & Rhodewalt, 2001 ; Zeigler‐Hill et al, 2018 ). Parents of children with higher narcissism levels showed affective responses similar to their children's, which suggests that status sensitivity can be intergenerationally transmitted.…”

“…Given that narcissism is partly heritable (Vernon et al, 2008 ), children with high narcissism levels might inherit their parents' status sensitivity. Additionally, parents might transmit status sensitivity through socialization (Brummelman, 2018 ; Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020 ). For example, parents might visibly show their pleasure and displeasure in their child's status gains and losses via their facial expressions.…”

“…Given the heritability of narcissism (Vernon et al, 2008 ), status sensitivity might be genetically transmitted. Given the malleability of narcissism (Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020 ), parents might socialize status sensitivity. Status sensitivity might be reinforced by parental overvaluation—parents seeing and treating their children as more special and entitled, while pressuring them to stand out (Brummelman, Thomaes, Nelemans, Orobio de Castro, Overbeek, et al, 2015 ).…”

Is high self-esteem beneficial? Revisiting a classic question.

“…First, self-esteem boosted by interventions may not provide the same benefits as naturally occurring high self-esteem. Second, self-esteem interventions might backfire, if they end up increasing narcissism rather than authentic self-esteem (Baumeister et al, 2003; Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020). Third, interventions should target individuals at risk for low self-esteem (or who already have low self-esteem), because these individuals have the greatest need for improved self-esteem.…”

Mothers’ Goals Influence Their Responses to Children’s Performance: An Experimental Study in the United States and Hong Kong

“…Drawing from Chen, Miller, Fung, and Boldt (2012), these investigators argued that the American individualistic culture, in which the individual is central (e.g., Markus & Kitayama, 1991), leads parents to hold self-worth goals for children (i.e., placing importance on children feeling positively about themselves). Although such goals can be unconstructive (e.g., Ryan & Brown, 2003)-for example, when there is a focus on children feeling superior to others (Brummelman & Sedikides, 2020)-they may often reflect a sensitivity to children's perspective that translates into supporting children in realizing their personal interests (Qu et al, 2014), which may be constructive (e.g., Ryan & Deci, 2000).…”