This article was written to retrace the affects of childhood experience expressed in the themes that inform my scholarship -unconscious desire, affect, bodies, sexuality, race, politics and media/biotechnologies. What follows focuses on belief, trauma and the rhythm of family violence in the repeating beating of punishment, prayer, music and the poetic. Remembering has been informed by revisiting the place where I grew up, walking the same streets I walked as a little girl, attempting to capture what I saw and could not see then. But remembering remains incomplete; it does not end the repeating beating, thereby necessitating an experimental writing style that allows for the breaks in memory, making apparent the irrational cutting between childhood experiences and scholarship. 1