The Tango of Loving Hate: Couple Dynamics in High-Conflict Divorce

Abstract

This article explores the dynamics of couples embroiled in high-conflict divorce through the theoretical prism of British object relations theory. Such couples are often characterized by primitive object relations, and use splitting and projection as a way of ''being in the world.'' The fear of the ex-spouse's retaliation is accompanied by fear of their own destructiveness and a desire to make reparation; however, attempts at reparation at this level of relational functioning rarely achieve reconciliation. In fact, such dynamics create a cycle of terror, retaliation, and failed reparation attempts that in turn leads to further terror, splitting and projection, with the resulting outcome often a high-conflict divorce.

Commentary on Entrenched Postseparation Parenting Disputes: The Role of Interparental Hatred

“…An Israeli team consisting of an experienced family therapist and academic scholar subsequently undertook research that confirmed many of our observations (Levite, ; Levite & Cohen, ; Cohen & Levite, ). They reanalyzed research records from the Judith Wallerstein Family in Transition data bank, comparing groups of families from the normal community with high‐conflict, litigating, and violent court‐referred cases and interpreted the findings through the theoretical lens of British Object Relations theory.…”

Entrenched Postseparation Parenting Disputes: The Role of Interparental Hatred?

“…Instead, their lives seem to be ruled by an obsessive focus on the object(s) of their hatred. Unfettered, hatred can become all consuming, leaving little room for self‐awareness or reflective capacity (Levite, ; Lichtenberg & Shapard, ; Wolf, ). It can become both a passion and a raison d'etre —one in which some individuals even find joy in initiating actions that cause the hated object pain and humiliation (Gaylin, ; Yanay, ).…”

High‐conflict divorced couples: combining systemic and psychodynamic perspectives

“…Partners lack ways to cope with frustration, anger, rage, hate, pain or ambivalence. They cannot bear the anxiety these produce and try to resolve it in a way that exacerbates conflict in the marriage or in a divorce (Klein 1940; Levite, 2003; Ogden, 1990).…”

“…The process of retaliation is a process that is activated by destructiveness, rage and hate. The parallel process of reparation is activated by the need to feel that love is stronger than hate (Klein, 1940; Levite, 2003; Ogden, 1990; Winnicott, 1968). Retaliation is a mechanism used by individuals who fear their own feelings of rage and aggression, as well as their own destructiveness.…”

“…The team develops a treatment plan in which each individual is well aware of the role of each member of the team, confidentiality within the team and ways of communicating between team members and ex‐partners. Communication between team members can serve as a role model for constructive communication, negotiation and problem‐solving (Levite, 2003). The team also provides a holding environment for therapists through case conferences and consultations.…”