We analyze consequences of trying to replace dark matter and dark energy with models of stochastic spacetime. In particular, we analyze the model put forth by ref. [1], in which it is claimed that “post-quantum classical gravity” (PQCG), a stochastic theory of gravity, leads to modified Newtonian dynamics (MOND) behavior on galactic scales that reproduces galactic rotation curves, and leads to dark energy. We show that this analysis has four basic problems: (i) the equations of PQCG do not lead to a new large scale force of the form claimed in the paper, (ii) the form claimed is not of the MONDian form anyhow and so does not correspond to observed galactic dynamics, (iii) the spectrum of fluctuations is very different from observations, and (iv) we also identify some theoretical problems in these models.