Externally shelled cephalopods with coiled, planispiral conchs were ecologically successful for hundreds of millions of years. These animals displayed remarkable morphological disparity, reflecting comparable differences in physical properties that would have constrained their life habits and ecological roles. To investigate these constraints, self-propelling, neutrally buoyant, biomimetic robots were 3D-printed for four disparate morphologies. These robots were engineered to assume orientations computed from virtual hydrostatic simulations while producing Nautilus-like thrusts. Compressed morphotypes had improved hydrodynamic stability (coasting efficiency) and experienced lower drag while jetting backwards. However, inflated morphotypes had improved maneuverability while rotating about the vertical axis. These differences highlight an inescapable physical tradeoff between hydrodynamic stability and yaw maneuverability, illuminating different functional advantages and life-habit constraints across the cephalopod morphospace. This tradeoff reveals there is no single optimum conch morphology, and elucidates the success and iterative evolution of disparate morphologies through deep time, including non-streamlined forms.