Blenders, Hammers, and Knives: Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts and Unthinkable Motherhood

Abstract

Intrusive thoughts" are common symptoms of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders such as postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder. These thoughts can include horrific flashes of violence involving one's baby and frequently lead to shame and fear on the mother's part, but rarely result in real-world violence. Clinicians tend to downplay the importance of these images' content and calm women by reminding them that they will not act on their impulses. This article leans into the dark nature of intrusive thoughts. I intersperse theoretical and ethnographic reflections with vivid fragments of narratives about intrusive thoughts collected from several years of ethnographic research conducted with postpartum women in the United States. I explore the fear, rage, and repulsion that characterize the thoughts themselves and the racism, classism, and sexism involved in clinical, institutional, and interpersonal responses to them. I suggest that dwelling on the "unthinkable" images contained within intrusive thoughts may be important for understanding and accepting the realities of mother love. [intrusive thoughts, motherhood, postpartum, obsessive-compulsive disorder, mother love] The BlenderA woman enters the kitchen warily, a three-week-old bundle in her arms. The bundle is asleep, but the woman knows that might not last. She creeps over the threshold, the linoleum cold under her bare feet. She will be fast. The cup of water is right there. She will just creep in and grab it before anything can happen. But there are so many weapons here. The blender-the baby would fit in. Just squish him in, push down the head, and he'd be just the right size. Press on and … NO. Grab the water. The water is next to the sink, which is next to the knives. His neck is so thin, so delicate, the knife would go right through his skin, like slicing a nectarine-NO. She grabs the water, dashes out, tripping and stubbing her toe. She cries out. The baby stirs but does not wake. "Did you hear what I told you?" she is telling me. She would reach through the phone if she could, shake me, to make me understand. "I said I thought about putting my baby in the blender."