Conventional, brightfield-microscopic semen analysis provides important baseline information about sperm quality of an individual; however, it falls short of identifying subtle subcellular and molecular defects in cohorts of “bad”, defective human and animal spermatozoa with seemingly normal phenotypes. To bridge this gap, it is desirable to increase the precision of andrological evaluation in humans and livestock animals by pursuing advanced biomarker-based imaging methods. This review, spiced up with occasional classic movie references but seriously scholastic at the same time, focuses mainly on the biomarkers of altered male germ cell proteostasis resulting in post-testicular carryovers of proteins associated with ubiquitin-proteasome system. Also addressed are sperm redox homeostasis, epididymal sperm maturation, sperm-seminal plasma interactions and sperm surface glycosylation. Zinc ion homeostasis-associated biomarkers and sperm-borne components, including the elements of neurodegenerative pathways such as Huntington’s and Alzheimer’s disease, are discussed. Such spectrum of biomarkers, imaged by highly specific vital fluorescent molecular probes, lectins, and antibodies, reveals both obvious and subtle defects of sperm chromatin, DNA and accessory structures of the sperm head and tail. Introduction of next generation image-based flow cytometry into research and clinical andrology will soon enable the incorporation of machine and deep learning algorithms with the end point of developing simple, label-free methods for clinical diagnostics and high throughput phenotyping of spermatozoa in humans and economically important livestock animals.