Gay Men Choosing to Co-Parent with Heterosexual Women

Abstract

Little is known about openly gay men who elect to conceive and raise children jointly with a heterosexual woman outside of marriage. Drawing on in-depth interviews with nine Israeli gay fathers who are co-parenting with a heterosexual woman, this study examines the factors associated with their unique family choice and the characteristics these men sought in selecting the mother. The findings revealed three key motivations for establishing a hetero-gay family: belief in the essential mother, belief in biological parenting, and the belief that the child's best interests dictate having two parents of the opposite sex. These beliefs, along with seeking co-parents with maternal attributes, reflect traditional attitudes and a wish to reproduce the traditional family. At the same time, however, these men all planned on being "new," actively involved fathers who shoulder child-rearing responsibilities. Possible implications of holding concurrently traditional and progressive attitudes are discussed.

Co-parenting arrangements in lesbian and gay families: when the ‘mum and dad’ ideal generates innovative family forms

“…This was also the main motivation given by prospective gay and lesbian co-parents in other national contexts (Erera and Segal-Engelchin, 2014;Jadva et al, 2015). Finding a "known donor" or an "accessible surrogate" who could supply the child with information about origins was not sufficient.…”

‘Friendly allies in raising a child’: a survey of men and women seeking elective co-parenting arrangements via an online connection website

“…However, there has recently been an increase in co-parenting arrangements among heterosexual men and women. Co-parenting can also include parents of different sexual orientation coming together to raise a child ( Erera and Segal-Engelchin, 2014 ). Often the biological parents have partners, resulting in multiple adults planning the pregnancy and raising the child collectively ( Herbrand, 2008 ; Smietana et al , 2014 ).…”

“…Similar ‘traditional’ beliefs were also found among Israeli gay men co-parenting with heterosexual women, in that they wanted to raise a biologically related child and they believed it was in the child's best interests to have an actively involved mother and father. Alongside these traditional views, these men also held ‘new’ and ‘progressive’ views of parenting whereby they wanted to be highly involved and active in raising their child ( Erera and Segal-Engelchin, 2014 ). Men can ascribe a variety of meanings to the relationship with their biological children which can differ between individuals ( Dempsey, 2012 ).…”

Arreglos Parentales de Varones Gay en la Ciudad de México: De la paternidad Negada a la Transformación Inadvertida del Cuidado

“…En el trabajo de campo identifiqué a Marco Antonio que comentó que provenía de una familia de 13 hermanos, por lo que él deseaba tener una familia parecida a aquella en la que él había crecido, por ello 192 Laguna -Padres Gay en México y el Cuidado de sus Hijos prefirió hacer a un lado esos deseos, pues pensó que "si probaba ese pastel y le gustaba no podría tener hijos", así decidió casarse y tuvo dos hijos (una niña y un niño) y sólo tuvo experiencias homosexuales hasta que se divorció de su esposa. 9 Otra forma por la que acceden los varones homosexuales a los hijos es a través de la coparentalidad, en donde un hombre y una mujer deciden tener un hijo sin que medie una relación amorosa o un vínculo legal entre ellos (Erera & Segal-Engelchin, 2014). Simplemente acuerdan la manera como engendrarán a su hijo y definen los límites y prácticas de apego y cuidado que desarrollarán con los hijos.…”