Insufficiently complimentary?: Underestimating the positive impact of compliments creates a barrier to expressing them.

Abstract

Compliments increase the well-being of both expressers and recipients, yet people report in a series of surveys giving fewer compliments than they should give, or would like to give. Nine experiments suggest that a reluctance to express genuine compliments partly stems from underestimating the positive impact that compliments will have on recipients. Participants wrote genuine compliments and then predicted how happy and awkward those compliments would make recipients feel. Expressers consistently underestimated how positive recipients would feel but overestimated how awkward recipients would feel (Experiments 1-3, S4). These miscalibrated expectations are driven partly by perspective gaps in which expressers underestimate how competent-and to a lesser extent how warm-their compliments will be perceived by recipients (Experiments 1-3). Because people's interest in expressing compliments is partly driven by their expectations of the recipient's reaction, undervaluing compliments creates a barrier to expressing them (Supplemental Experiments S2, S3, S4). As a result, directing people to focus on the warmth conveyed by their compliments (Experiment 4) increased interest in expressing them. We believe these findings may reflect a more general tendency for people to underestimate the positive impact of prosocial actions on others, leading people to be less prosocial than would be optimal for both their own and others' well-being.

The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think.

“…First, we contribute to the literature demonstrating that interaction partners are often focused on different aspects of an experience, which can subsequently lead to misalignment in judgment and suboptimal decision-making (Boothby et al, 2018;Kupor et al, 2017;Liu & Min, 2020;Zhang & Epley, 2012). We also note that past related work, which did not find a mediating role for surprise, measured surprise in terms of whether receiving the message and the specific content of the message itself was differentially surprising in magnitude based on perspective (Kumar & Epley, 2018;Zhao & Epley, 2021a). By contrast, our theorized mediator is a differential focus on the responder's surprise.…”

“…For instance, people expressing gratitude underestimated how positive and surprising an expression of gratitude would be for a receiver and overestimated how awkward it would be (Kumar & Epley, 2018). Relatedly, research on compliments has shown that people offering compliments-which say something positive about a recipient's traits or behavior-underestimated the positive impact of their compliments on recipients (Boothby & Bohns, 2021;Zhao & Epley, 2021a, 2021b. Such misestimations are also explained by expressors' failure to sufficiently adjust from their own perspective to the recipient's perspective (Epley et al, 2004(Epley et al, , 2006.…”

“…In particular, we predict that one reason this mismatch occurs is because initiators are less focused on the responder's positive feelings of surprise when predicting responder appreciation than responders are actually focused on their own feelings of positive surprise. Specifically, by virtue of their differing perspectives, we suggest that responders may be more focused on their own feelings of positive surprise when they are reached out to, both because the unexpectedness of the event is especially salient for them and also because they are especially attuned to cues to others' warmth (Abele & Wojciszke, 2007;Zhao & Epley, 2021a). By contrast, initiators may be less focused on the responder's feelings of surprise both because the unexpectedness of the event is less salient for them, given that they themselves have not experienced it, and because they are more likely attuned to alternative cues such as those regarding the competence of their reach-outs (Abele & Wojciszke, 2007;Zhao & Epley, 2021a).…”

“…For instance, contacting someone to ask for a favor (e.g., Zhang & Epley, 2009) qualifies as a reach-out but also adds an element of asking for help that is not necessary to qualify as a reach-out. Likewise, contacting someone to offer a compliment (e.g., as in Boothby & Bohns, 2021; Zhao & Epley, 2021a, 2021b) qualifies as a reach-out but also adds an element of saying something positive about a recipient’s traits or behaviors that is not necessary to qualify as a reach-out. As a final example, contacting someone to express gratitude (e.g., as in Grant & Gino, 2010) qualifies as a reach-out but also adds an element of thanking someone for some positive action they have done for oneself or others in the past—which is not necessary to qualify as a reach-out.…”

“…In the context of social exchange, surprise gifts may be positive when they signal warmth and care on the part of the giver (cues to which responders may be especially attuned; Abele & Wojciszke, 2007; Zhao & Epley, 2021a). The positive surprise elicited by such gifts can have a positive impact on the relationship by strengthening and affirming it (Ruth et al, 1999).…”