Marital Intimacy and the Deadly Love‐Anger Cycle

Abstract

The view is advanced that the fundamental cause of marital failure in our time is the inability to resolve the anger which is inevitably generated in an intimate relationship. The nature of anger, its impact on a love relationship, and its constructive management in marriage are examined. The concept of training couples in “marital fighting” is rejected in favor of a three‐step procedure which the author has tested out in his own marriage, and taught to other couples, with very satisfactory results.

Anger arousal and personality characteristics.

“…A body of evidence also indicates that unexpressed anger interferes with cognitive efficiency (Holt, 1970). Several clinically oriented theoreticians contend that unexpressed anger or misdirected hostility endangers interpersonal intimacy (Holt, 1970;L'Abate, 1977;Mace, 1976;Novaco, 1976a). Megargee (1966) has found some support for the contention that some aggressive persons may be chronically overcontrolled and that aggression by such persons is apt to be of "murderous intensity," since an aggressive impulse must build to higher levels to overcome inhibitions against aggressive expression.…”

Anger, Violence, and Academic Performance

“…A common paradigm is the distinction between anger-in (suppressed or unexpressed anger), anger-out (displaced anger or hostility), and anger-discuss (optimal anger expression). The consequences of suppressed anger appear to be destructive, including suicide (Apter et al, 1989), impaired interpersonal relationships (Holt, 1970;Mace, 1976), heart disease (Haynes & Feinleib, 1980), and high blood pressure (Harburg et al, 1973), whereas anger-out has been associated with the use of projection and denial (Apter et al, 1989), increased aggression (Berkowitz, 1970), a greater number of health problems (E. H. Johnson & Broman, 1987), and depression (Maiuro, Cahn, Vitaliano, Wagner, & Zegree, 1988). Frazier (1995) suggested that anger expression, in and of itself, is not useful for the individual without the discovery of frustrations that lie behind it.…”

Anger Management

“…Although aggression may be a form of anger expression, it often represents the mismanagement of anger since it inhibits the goal of improving a relationship. Mace (1976) refers to aggressive anger as venting and states it may prove destructive in intimate relationships. Venting includes acts of physical and verbal aggression aimed at attack, insult, or blame.…”

“…Venting includes acts of physical and verbal aggression aimed at attack, insult, or blame. These expressions may also involve distorted, indirect, contradictory, or dishonest communication (Mace, 1976). Baldwin (1983) indicates that when anger serves as a means of overpowering or hurting rather than as a method of communication, it is not being handled effectively.…”

“…Baldwin (1983) indicates that when anger serves as a means of overpowering or hurting rather than as a method of communication, it is not being handled effectively. Mace (1976) identifies suppression as another form of anger mismanagement since it denies any form of expressing anger. He views suppression as a particularly dangerous method because it does not acknowledge the source of the problem and provides no means of resolution.…”