Interactive sex toys shape how we understand sexual intimacies and pleasures on an individual and societal scale. Yet analytical and critical research on actual devices is scant. To help address this, we conducted an in-depth Feminist Content Analysis of interactive products offered by one Dutch manufacturer, including text and video material that discusses and presents those products. Applying the theoretical lens of technosexual scripts, we show how one of the largest industry stakeholders engages in promising a utopian sex-future, while upholding and re-inscribing normative scripts for how sexual encounters with others and oneself can be technologically mediated. Our analysis illustrates the far-reaching consequences of skewed (and unkept) promises of safety, health and optimization, which implicates technologists as well as marketing strategists.