Objectives To evaluate the circulation lifespan of forks and teaspoons in an institutional tearoom. Design Longitudinal quality improvement study, based on prospective tracking of marked teaspoons and forks. Setting Staff tearoom in a public teaching and research hospital, Brisbane. Participants Tearoom patrons blinded to the purposes of the study. Intervention Stainless steel forks and teaspoons (18 each) were marked with red spots and introduced alongside existing cutlery (81 items) in the tearoom. Main outcome measures Twice weekly count of marked forks and teaspoons for seven weeks; baseline and end of study count of all utensils on day 45. Results The loss of marked teaspoons (six of 18) was greater than that of forks (one of 18) by the conclusion of the study period (P = 0.038). The overall rate of utensil loss was 2.2 per 100 days for teaspoons and spoons, and –2.2 per 100 days for forks and knives. Conclusions Teaspoon disappearance is a more substantial problem than fork migration in a multidisciplinary staff tearoom, and may reflect different kleptomaniacal or individual appropriation tendencies. If giving cutlery this Christmas, give teaspoons, not forks. The symbolism of fork rebirth or resurrection is appropriate for both Christmas and Easter, and forks are also mighty useful implements for eating cake!